JOHN HOWARD JOKES - AUSTRALIAN P.M.

NOT REAL HAPPY, JOHN


TEXAN RIDGEBACK

President Bush stepped off Airforce One. As he got to the tarmac he was greeted by a Marine Colonel who saluted and upon noticing he was carrying two little piglets in his coat said Nice little pigs, Sir

The President replied They're not just piglets, theyre baby Texan Ridgeback Hogs.... I got one for Prime Minister Howard and the other for Prime Minister Blair

The Marine Colonel snapped to attention and saluted again commenting Excellent trade, Sir Excellent trade

STAMP ROYAL COMMISION

The Australian Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of John Howard to honour his achievements.

In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.

This has enraged the Prime Minister who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special royal commission has made the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.


A TRAGEDY

John Howard, the Prime Minister, was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the paddock and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy".

"No," said Howard, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister. "That's what we would call a great loss".

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Howard searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the RAAF jet carrying you and Mrs. Howard was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it wouldn't be an accident either."

JOHN HOWARD GOES TO WASHINGTON

John Howard goes to Washington for a meeting with George Bush. After dinner, George says to John: Well John, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.

"How do you know?" asks John

"Oh well, it's simple", says George. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Condi Rice over and says to her "Tell me Condi, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says Condi, "it is me!" Well done Condi, says Bush and John Howard is very impressed.

John Howard returns to Canberra and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in John Anderson and says: John, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?

John thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. Can I think about it a bit further Mr Prime Minister? May I let you know tomorrow?

Of course, says Howard, you've got 24 hours.

John Anderson goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, John is very worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually John Anderson says "I'll ask Peter Costello, he's clever, he'll know the answer."

He calls Costello. Peter, he says, tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?

"Very simple", says Peter, "it's me!" "Of course" says Anderson and rings John Howard.

"Prime Minister", says Anderson, "I've got the answer: it's Peter Costello".

"No you idiot", says Howard, "it's Condi Rice".




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